5 weeks 1 day

This is all still so crazy to me.

I mentioned our first beta in my last post it was 180! I had a second one on the 8th and it was 500.8. I just had my third today and it was 9,403!

Our ultrasound is on the 29th and we can NOT wait.

So far I am feeling

• Confused. Its really hard to process that this is actually happening for us. And that its happening naturally. Some days I don’t feel like I deserve this to be happening to me. Which is really weird and hard to process. Its even harder to still be monitored by my fertility clinic. I hate going there because I feel like I shouldn’t be there. Its a lot mentally that I didn’t expect.
• NAUSEA in the evening
• SORE SORE SORE BOOBS. They are killing me.
• I feel exhausted.
• My stomach is very bruised from my blood thinner injection.

PLEASE keep your fingers and toes and everything you can crossed for us that we make it to our ultrasound and beyond. This is truly a miracle pregnancy.

HOLY UPDATE

I cant even begin to figure out how to write this.

Since my last entry…we have discovered that I have APS. Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome. Which could have be the cause of my miscarriages. My husband and I have been absolutely distraught seeking other options and solutions to this. My doctor wanted to do another retrieval but try my eggs. We talked about it after my last miscarriage and I took it upon my self to read up on what I can do to improve the quality of my eggs. I changed my diet and started the supplement regimen from the book “It starts with the egg”. We called around to surrogacy agencies and actually had a friend volunteer to be a surrogate for us. After discovering the cost of all of this we were going to give it one more shot with the plan that my doctor came up with on top of working with a reproductive immunologist. We felt really good about it and were ready to move forward when we found out…

WE WERE PREGNANT!

NATURALLY!

To say we are in shock is a COMPLETE understatement. My husband and I wanted to give this the best chance possible. We figured I had been on the supplements for around 3 months and I just had the SIS ultrasound it was the perfect storm. So we tracked with OPK’s and went for it! I used my blood thinner and a baby aspirin and to our complete surprise…Baby K looks like it is on the way!

My IVF clinic is truly amazing. They are working with us as if we were pregnant though an IVF cycle. They called in a progesterone support and I had my first HCG blood draw today! We were looking for a number over 100 and I was at 180! I go again on Thursday!

I ovulated the 24th so I am about 12dpo = 3 weeks and 5 days. If my math is correct. LOL.

SO SO SO SO surprised and just full of emotions. Please send us all the good vibes.

Starting Over

Ugh, I have been wanting to make an entry for some time now about the shit show that we are still going through. Its so incredibly frustrating to not have ANY answers 5 years into this journey. It seems like we are no closer to figuring out whats wrong with me then we were when we stepping into a infertility clinic for the first time ever.

I guess I am just a god damn medical mystery.

Since my last miscarriage we have begged for additional testing. I just had a recurrent miscarriage panel ran along with a few other things. That all came back NORMAL. I also had a endometrial biopsy done with another SIS ultrasound and it came back also NORMAL.

So, we STILL don’t know why I am having miscarriages and we arent any closer to having another baby.

The last time we spoke with my doctor it was after the testing. We will talk with him on the 16th to go over what the next steps are. He has already suggested that we try another IVF with MY eggs instead of choosing another donor. He thinks that we should give that a try but I am not for it. The first IVF we did everything looked “Fine” until we did the retrieval and all of the eggs diminished before day 5 without reason. So I just don’t think that wasting money to do that over again is a smart idea at this point. We have 1 embryo left that our specialist has already said isn’t the best quality due to the fact that it was frozen, thawed and then re froze.

I LOVE the clinic that we are at. This is the first time that we have felt listened to and cared for but come on. Like how many people can we fucking see before we get some answers. I refuse to believe that everything is fine here and that im perfectly healthy. If that were the case 1. I should have gotten pregnant on my own. 2. I should have been able to get pregnant from IVF with my own eggs. 3. I DEF should have been able to get pregnant and carry to the end with a donor egg. SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE.

My husband and I have absolutely no idea what to do.

1. Transfer the last embryo with a different protocol and what ever happens close this infertility chapter and be done with treatment. Move on to adoption.
2. Pick a new donor and start over.

I am not going to go through the heartache and financial stress of “trusting” my eggs will hold up for an IVF with my eggs.

I have never been in a worse spot mentally as I am right now. I am physically sick to my stomach thinking about our journey. We moved forward with a donor thinking that was the answer to all of our problems and here we are. I am still being classified as “healthy”. How is this even ok.

Another Confirmed Miscarriage.

When does it get better for us. UGH, I started bleeding yesterday and called in right away. I didn’t have any blood today but they wanted me to come in for another blood draw. So I went in and when they called me back they told me that my levels have dropped significantly and it appears as though I am having a miscarriage. I was told to stop all meds and that they would bring me in to watch the fall of my hcg. I asked if I could have an ultrasound to double check that this is whats happening and was told that if my hcg showed under 1500 that it wouldn’t have anything visible on the ultrasound.  I am truly fucking devastated. This is such a huge trigger for me with depression and anxiety. I am going to keep going with all medication today and then will go back in for another blood draw tomorrow morning but I already know its happening. I have had terrible cramping all day today and I just know.

I don’t even know what we are going to do. We have 1 embryo left. That we already know is “not very good” according to our doctor.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to do.

This makes miscarriage #4.

I feel like we are no closer to answers then we were when we first started. Its truly frustrating.

19 dpt, 2 weeks and 5 days pregnant?

The breakdown on how many days/far along I am will always be a battle I truly cant fight. I swear its so hard to keep track of.

I had a third beta today. My hcg level was 2055! Everything is right where they want it to be and we will go in for our first ultrasound on the 16th! I am seriously SO nervous for it. I feel like the first ultrasound has always been such a trigger for me. We have had so much bad news that its hard to stay relaxed and calm. Trying to ride the high of today’s good news and hopefully hold onto it until the 16th!

WE ARE PREGNANT!

Our second BETA came in and our number is rising beautifully. We were at 139 today! They were a tad bit concerned about my estrogen levels. That came back 148 and they wanted to see it at 150+. So tomorrow I will be starting estrogen patches and I am slightly concerned. I am hoping that everything is still going to be ok.

• Cramping.
• Irritable.
• Hungry, but nothing tastes good.
• TIRED.
• My boobs are VERY sore.

We are crossing our fingers, toes, legs ALL OF IT.

Please stick around Baby K. We love you so much already.

BETA IS IN

We are officially pregnant!

 

Our nurse just called and congratulated us! They wanted my number to be over 50 and ours was a 51.95. Keeping EVERYTHING crossed that our little babe sticks around and grows big and strong for the next blood draw that is on Tuesday.

Cautiously Excited

After my intense day of breakdowns the other day, I tested again on 7DPT and had a second line!!! A faint one, but it was showing!

Today we are 9DPT and the line is darker (cautiously excited) id like to see it a little darker but it is growing. Tomorrow is our first BETA and I just am hoping and praying and we have a strong number.

• TIRED.
• Sore boobs.
• Faint waves of nausea.
• Headaches.
• Not very hungry. Nothing really tastes good.
• Hot flashes.
• Break outs!

Negative Pregnancy Test. 6DPT.

Before anyone says how early it is….I did have a SUPER positive pregnancy test by this point with my daughters cycle. I have absolutely no hope left that this cycle took.

I truly don’t even know where to go from here. I feel like a failure. I was so optimistic starting this cycle and I feel just lost. I am just trying to hold it together at this point.

How much can one person take?

5dpt, anxiety is setting in.

Today we are 5 days past the transfer. My anxiety is kicking in. What if it didn’t take? I truly don’t know what we are going to do. I’m over analyzing all of my symptoms and fighting the urge to test.

• Boobs are starting to hurt
• I’m cramping on and off
• I’m an emotional wreck
• TIRED
• Waves of nausea

UGH please keep your fingers crossed for us.